For people who don’t know me that well it’s probably a strange thing to find out about my panda fanaticism.  What’s a grown man doing with such an adoration of a black and white bear?  I don’t really try to explain it beyond saying that Yes indeed I like pandas.  People don’t usually probe any further than that, they probably think I’m crazy.  But with Tai Shan leaving for China tomorrow morning the founder of the panda flickr group I’m on posted an article about the community that’s gathered since his birth to watch him grow up.  Each of us is drawn to him (and together) by different things, his eyes, the way he acts, him being him.  I think he’s come to symbolize different things for everyone, a point of hope or silliness, joy or tranquility.

For me he’s been that one constant I’ve been able to count on in rough times.  I know that when I watch him on the cam or at the zoo, or even look at photos of him my day will brighten.  There’s no way I can’t look at him and feel good, regardless of what I’m going through that day.  I’ll truly miss him.

Frances summed it up best in the article:

“When I saw his mom taking care of him . . . I appreciated it so much because I was without my mom, even though my mom loved me a lot,” she said. “I saw this child cuddled . . . [by] a huge bear 300 times his size, holding him, taking care of him. It [says], for a person like me, there’s love out there, there’s peace.”

She discovered others like her and founded Pandas Unlimited in 2006. For some members, Tai Shan replaced something they had lost — a spouse — or something they never had. “He fills an empty space in their heart,” she said.

“It’s not that anything is wrong with them,” she said. “They’re just chosen people.”

The chosen people, I like that.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/03/AR2010020302108.html

Some stats on the first month of this year’s project 365:

• 5 photos of food
• 6 self portraits
• 3 “I need to take something but there’s nothing worth taking” photos

So far I’ve managed not to take any photos of pandas or my house.  Plus I think the photos this year are better than the ones from 2008.

I told myself that canceling Directv would give me the kick in the pants to start being more productive when I got home from work.  It’s been a week since I cut the cord and I gotta say, more productive? not so much.  I still watch the requisite tv show while eating dinner (thank god for internet streaming, can’t quit the tube cold turkey now) but when whatever show I’m watching ends it’s been a little tough to peel my butt off the couch.  There’s still always something to watch, for better or worse.

All is not lost though as right after dinner I’m doing all the “house stuff” that I’ve put off for too long; clean up this room, sort through this junk, throw out this crap.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness right?  If the house is neat and organized than I so will my life right? Haha, I wish.  At least I’m being sorta productive.  Once all this stuff is done it’s onto something else, just gotta find what that something else is.

If I had fun during last year’s birthday celebration then this year’s blew it away.  Went out to dinner with friends last night in SF and then drinks afterward and the entire night was alcohol-induced hilarity.  Well, not entirely alcohol-induced but the laughs were coming a mile a minute.  I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.  And to top it off we earned our trip to the Jack in the Crack drive-thru.  I kept it in check and didn’t lose control, don’t really need another drunken story to add to my resume.

So, 32. Hmm, it’s getting to a point where age is but a number, it doesn’t really mean much.  I don’t really feel older; wiser maybe but still as immature as ever.  In terms of personal growth I think it’s been a good year for me, certainly better than year 30.  Some ups, some downs, but pretty good for the most part.   I’ve become a lot more comfortable being myself and pushed the boundary of what defines me.  I guess you could say that my “personality” has finally grown up; it’s actually possible for someone to describe me (unlike the characters in Star Wars: Episode I).

I know what I have. I know what I want (kinda). Now it’s time to go get it.

Looking back at my New Year’s post from last year I said to myself that I wasn’t going to make any resolutions for 2009, that I was going to take it as it comes.  Now that it’s 2010 I’m back in “reset” mode again, do I make resolutions for the upcoming year or do I just play it by ear? New Year’s is a way to get that fresh start if needed, where the counter goes back to zero.  I never make grandiose resolutions like “I’ll be nicer” or “I’m going to be a better person”; they’re always about tangible things that I could maybe accomplish.

But looking at this year as I’m about to turn 32 I think I’ll make two: get fit (as if that’ll never get old) and to finally be happy again.  I should probably just not make the fit one and just make it perpetual because I’ll probably always make it.  The happy one though is out of the box for me.  2010’s the year that I’ll try and be resolutely happy again.  That’s not to say the past year was all horrible, it wasn’t.  I’m definitely better than I’ve been in a long while but I think it can be better.  It can always be better.

We’ll see how it goes this year.  Maybe it will be the year we make contact.

Since 2006, every time I’ve come home for the holidays I’ve gone to the National Zoo to see Tai Shan and his parents.  It turned into this little ritual that I would do right after Christmas – go to the zoo and watch the pandas for an hour or two before continuing on with my day.  Some would call it a little weird to do that year after year but I just loved being able to watch him walk around his enclosure and eat bamboo in person and not on a cam.

I stopped watching him on the panda cam a long time ago but as he grew up I felt that I grew up too.  He was my constant, whatever happened in life he was there, chewing away and being a bear.  Always dependable.  If I ever needed cheering up I could always scour Flickr for photos of him doing his latest antics.  It always worked.  I’ve moved on to other panda cubs (the newborn ones always get that kind of attention) but Tai will always be special to me, the bear that I watched grow up before my very eyes.  Time to grow up. I’ll miss him when he goes back to China next month, as I’m sure all of the panda-razzi will too.  He’ll always be Butterstick in our hearts.

Goodbye Tai. Godspeed.

I bought this book Everything Matters! for the trip to Europe but never ended up starting it on the trip, the joys of melatonin!  It’s sat on my night stand since then just waiting to be read but with my rewatching of The Wire I just haven’t found the time (or is it interest?) to crack it open.  Brought it on the plane this time in case I finished all the tv on my iPod (damn you iPod+Netflix) and started reading it when my iPod ran out of juice.  The book took a little while to get going and then this line jumped out at me as one of the main characters is describing an elementary school love as not being “soul mates” or “meant for each other”.

It should be mentioned that you and Amy are not “soul mates,” nor are you “meant for each other” or any other such romantic nonsense… Whom you take out a mortgage with is mostly an accident of geography and economics, and has nothing to do with destiny… The two of you could have easily lived and died in this town without ever having said hello. Not destiny. Happenstance.

Wow I’ve never seen it described like that, so, logically.  It got me wondering how true it really is, whether who you end up with really is just an accident of geography.  Sure part of it is based on your choices in life but more often than not it’s being some place at some time, coincidentally when someone else is there too. Does that mean there’s nothing one can really do if they’re looking for that someone? But not really that someone but a someone? Food for thought.

Got to the airport for my flight home only to find out that it was delayed an hour and a half.  Now normally I wouldn’t be super pissed about it but that delay meant I’d probably miss my connection in Dallas.  All AA could do was say “Good Luck” and make a seat reservation for tomorrow’s flight from Dallas.  Not even a comp’d room for the night in case I did miss my connection.  So I was looking at possibly spending the night at the DFW airport or getting to Charlotte tomorrow afternoon.  So much for a Merry Christmas.  The fam scrambled and found me a redeye tonight, the best that could be had on short notice.  Not a complete cluster but still not what I really wanted.  Standing in that check-in line this morning got me pretty irritated about the whole situation, so much so that the thought of just saying screw it and not going at all popped into my head.  But after awhile I cooled off and just sucked it up, if I gotta wait then I gotta wait.  What else can I do?

And what to do with this newly free day? Went to do pretty much the only thing one can do on Christmas day: the movies.  Grabbed a quick bowl of pho for breakfast (finding some place to eat on Christmas is a 98% losing proposition) then headed to the theaters for some Sherlock Holmes.  Showing was packed, parents with their kids, couples, and a few people like me sprinkled in the mix.  Waiting there I thought to myself “Wow this is how I’m gonna spend Christmas?”  It was kinda depressing.  Luckily I tuned it out (and almost fell asleep) once the movie started.  Currently counting down the minutes before I go to the airport – gotta get outta here.

It felt kinda weird to be at the office on Christmas eve.  In the past it’s been a holiday or I’ve taken it off for travel.  So to come in today when my mind is focused on the holiday was a little odd.  Someone asked me what I was going to do tonight given the fact that I was flying home on Christmas (a first) and I was like “What do you mean what am I gonna do tonight?”  It’s Christmas eve, I don’t have a tree here, and I’m not staying here on Christmas.  What else would I do?  That whole “Christmas morning” anticipation doesn’t happen for me anymore; it’s just another night.

Traveling on Christmas day will be kinda weird though, it’ll be like I’m celebrating with my plane companions and the people working at the airports.  Is it common to even travel on the day of rather than a couple days before?  Fingers crossed that I’ll have good seat karma tomorrow.It’

The holidays creeped up on me this year, I swear Thanksgiving just happened.  Where’d the last 3 weeks go?  Anyway, it’s time for the annual Christmas visit back to the East Coast, my first visit in I can’t remember how long.  Wow, I really don’t remember the last time I was there, Thanksgiving 2008 I think.  It hasn’t been much of a festive period for me, hell I didn’t even put up the fiber optic Christmas tree that I usually put up.  You could say that my house is completely devoid of holiday cheer, sad huh?  There used to be a time where I couldn’t wait to put that plastic tree up (Target ftw); I even put it up last year while in the sling to give the house that soft hue of pulsating colored lights.  But these year I never got around to putting it up; are the holidays just not festive for me anymore?  Or is it because I don’t have someone to share the holidays with the reason why it’s not very festive.  Hmm.